Dogs are basically slobs. Sorry.

Yes, having a dog does change your life, but rarely in the heartwarming ways you read about in bestselling books. One day you realize that every item of apparel you own has fragments of Milk Bone dog biscuit in the pockets. Every single pair of sneakers has a dollop of petrified dog crap lodged so deeply into the sole that it an industrial laser couldn't remove it. Every bit of exposed carpet shows some trace of yard debris. Every household item and computer peripheral sports multiple tooth marks. This is the reality of dog ownership. No doubt Bella will teach me many life-changing lessons and make me a millionaire, just as Marley did for John Grogan, but for now the biggest lesson is this: If you like things tidy, don't get a dog.

Not convinced? The picture above shows Bella after a recent roll in our wasteland of a backyard. That's the bad news. The good news is that the color of dry grass coincides roughly with the color of our carpet.

They say the best thing about dogs is that they love you without reservation. Maybe. I could be projecting, but Bella's doleful expression seems less about unconditional affection than profound disappointment. Couldn't I learn to do tricks or something? Lately I've been affecting a hearty bonhomie in all my dealings with her, but I don't think she's convinced.